Sitting with the Lord and thinking about how differently my life has turned out as opposed to where I thought my life would be at this point. I’m not disappointed or anything. I’m actually in a better place than I thought I’d ever be. When you go through something life changing like losing a spouse that you dearly loved. You can’t fathom ever being in a place of peace & joy again. I look at my life now and am truly amazed and surprised at how the grace of God has sustained me. Yes I miss my honey but I’m not wrecked by grief like I have been. I still experience those memories & moments that catch me off guard and the pain of my loss takes my breath away. But I recover quicker and I can see a future. That’s huge and feels a little weird to admit that. Because I couldn’t see a future without him before. Being a childless widow is extra difficult. No one talks about the uncertainty about the future that adds to the picture. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat with the Lord wondering why he left me here. And asking the Lord why He didn’t bring me home too. That’s just real talk. The last time I talked to the Lord about it. I felt the Holy Spirit sternly say to my heart,

“He is not coming back and you have to live!”

In other words, “Stop asking me that!” In that moment of empathetic chastisement, I knew that the Lord was telling me, I’m not ready to bring you home & you have to keep living without him. I decided then and there not to bring that up again in my time with the Lord. I let it go. I knew the time had come for me to turn the corner and keep on living. Although I can’t say that my life had been on hold since he transitioned. In fact, I’m amazed at how blessed I am. However, every time I go to that place of longing for how things used to be, it diminished my capacity to be grateful for how blessed my life is in spite of the pain. “You have to live,” the Holy Spirit said to me. You have to thrive. You have to flourish. Holy Spirit reminding me this morning of the verse that says, “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” The awesome fact about this admonishment to keep on living is that I’ve been given everything I need to move forward and to have a good life. Which is exactly what my honey said to me. “Go on & have a good life.” He gave me his blessing to go on and live! Holy Spirit emphasizing to me, “You have his blessing and you have My blessing to keep living!” Lately I’ve reminisced about songs I used to play on the piano in Sunday school that have resonated as I sit with the Lord. The song that comes to mind in my time this morning is “Look and Live.” The refrain says, “Look and live,” my brother, live, Look to Jesus now, and live; ’Tis recorded in His word, hallelujah! It is only that you “look and live.” And so that’s my MO going forward, “Look to Jesus now, and live!”

Sharing my morning musings in hopes that you will intentionally process through your pain. It may be time to stop wishing that things were like they used to be. I admonish you in the same words given to me, “You have to live!”