Sitting with the Lord this morning

 “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;…Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you” Isaiah‬ ‭43:1-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Listening to the Holy Spirit talk to me about resilience. I was being honest with the Lord about how vulnerable I’ve felt emotionally through these holidays. Going through the stages of grief and feeling all over the place. It’s a cross between a justified pity party and a resolve to get through it best I can. So I was telling the Lord how embarrassing it is to do so well on some days and totally lose it on others. Like the day my doctor walked in the room and gave me a huge hug. I had no intention of losing it but I did and for several moments I couldn’t control myself. The Holy Spirit ministered that He’d prepared me for this part of the journey because He’d placed resilience in me. As I turned to the Word for comfort and grounding, the Holy Spirit led me to these verses as reassurance that even in the heaviest of sorrow that He’d made me resilient. Then I thought about how the heaviness did not consume me. I thought about how wonderful Thanksgiving was with family and friends around the table. I thought about my quiet birthday when I felt Stephen was truly looking out for me. Our connection feeling especially strong on that day. I thought about how devastating it was to lose our parents yet all of my siblings and I have prospered and continue to add value to this world. I thought about how my honey made sure I would be taken care when he was no longer here. I thought about the amazing support I’m surrounded with family and friends. So many ways the water did not sweep over me and the fire did not set me ablaze. The trauma of caregiving and subsequent death of someone we love is overwhelming long after that person is gone. Sweeping feelings under the rug or suppressing them is not healthy. It is an uncomfortable and heavy burden to share. Resilience needs to be accompanied by the support of others including available resources. Talking to a grief counselor made me feel exposed in a good way. Sharing those deep raw feelings and concerns was intimidating to say the least. Yet it was sooooo needed. Resilience is the the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity. That’s what grief feels like a stretching til I almost break and then the Holy Spirit steadily reassures me that He has my back. He abides with me while I adjust and He gently, kindly, slowly walks me back into the arms of the Savior. In His arms, I’m safe. In His arms, I’m reminded of Whose I am. In His arms, the overwhelming emotions are held at bay. In His arms, His Love fills the void of missing my love. That’s where you’ll find me these days, In His arms. Coming forth resilient and like pure gold. 

Sharing my morning musings… Reminding that we are resilient and will not be consumed by the difficulties of life. We will get through it again and again. It is also important to get the help we need to be our best self. Make self care a priority.