Sitting with Lord at 4 am because both furbabies woke me up at different times and I can’t go back to sleep. I knew it might happen because we came upstairs earlier than normal. Still trying to get my energy all the way back so been going to bed early. We got out the house yesterday intentionally to shake off the blues and also to go to one of our happy places in hopes that would help too. And it did to some extent. So I’ve had some things on my heart that I’ve needed to put before the Lord.

One is unrealistic expectations of others that can then produce feelings of disappointment, abandonment and resentment. I think that being a childless widow can intensify those feelings and so I needed to check myself. Because there’s a tendency to become self absorbed on some level. The Holy Spirit speaking to my heart with much grace. Allowing me to pour out my heart to him and process all the feels. He helps me gain perspective that everyone has their own lives and challenges and even sorrows. No one is responsible for me. I wouldn’t want anyone to have those silent expectations of me because unless they tell me, I won’t know.

The other thing I’m running by the Lord is the blues. I haven’t felt like myself, I think partly because I’ve been under the weather and more low energy than normal. And partly because after a significant event comes anticlimactic lows and you have to be aware of the adrenaline drop. It can feel like depression. This time of the year to the end of the year can feel heavier than normal anyway. So I’m sitting with the Lord rehearsing His goodness and all the ways He’s blessed my life with supportive family and friends. That redirects my thinking to the truth instead of wallowing in negativity. The key is to process through so that I’m not harboring any ill will toward anyone especially those whom I know genuinely care. Therefore, I can offer grace to others and grace to myself for experiencing these very human emotions.

The other thing I’m putting before the Lord is this intensive longing for heaven that reoccurs this time every year and especially around the holidays. I dread the holidays now. I told the Lord I used to have a family of my own family. Yeah it was Stephen and the dogs but we had each other. Although the grief is not as heavy, it still impacts my thinking. So I’ll catch myself telling the Lord, I’m ready for You to bring me home anytime. I wonder does anyone else tell the Lord that? I think the older we become the stronger we feel that pull toward heaven. Not a bad thing but have to be careful not to let it evolve into negative thoughts about our lives. Just being real. Grief can cause that which is why it’s important to put those thoughts before the Lord. Holy Spirit refreshing my heart and perspective and lifting me out of the blues this early morning. Have to say I feel much better now because I know in whose hands I am. And how blessed I am. I love putting things before the Lord.

Holy Spirit bringing the words of this hymn to mind:
“There’s not a friend like the lowly Jesus, no not one, no not one. None else can heal all our souls diseases, no not one, no not one. Jesus knows all about our struggles. He will guide til the day is done. There’s not a friend like the lowly Jesus. No not one, no not one!”

Just sharing my morning musings not for anything other than hoping it helps others to process these common human feelings. No not one!

Faithblogger/Author Michele Bryant Powell
Ebook/Book: 15 Minutes of Unpacking Our Grief
Blog: Sitting with the Lord . com