Sitting with the Lord this morning because I feel the Holy Spirit drawing me closer. Of course I’m going in and talking to God about it. Because these feelings are catching me off guard. I was doing fine. In fact, my friend asked me the other day how I was doing and I said I was okay. It’s getting closer to my husband’s death anniversary. Suddenly these last few days I’ve awakened early with thoughts that I haven’t had in a while. And actually trying to shut them down, telling myself that I shouldn’t be thinking about it. Telling myself that this September 29 will be two years and I should’ve moved further than I was last year. Trying not to feel sad for myself and thinking about his peace and rest that he is enjoying. That helps sometimes. But when I wake up at 4:00 am and it hits me in the face. Fresh memories of that night and day. It’s like I’m reliving it again. Then I go from dreading that day to dreading the upcoming holidays because Nov. & Dec. are around the corner and both our birthdays are then. It’s gets heavy really fast and all before my feet hit the floor! Thank God that the Holy Spirit knows and is drawing me closer. I’m so glad because when it gets that heavy, I don’t have a lot of strength to fight it. I just hang on for dear life knowing that my Father has His eye on me and will not let me fall. As the Holy Spirit draws me closer, I don’t have to fight the feelings because that is so exhausting. I can be real and honest and just put them out there with the Lord. I can cry. I can wonder. I can question. I can pour out my soul. I don’t fear judgement like I’ve often judged myself. I don’t feel alone like I’ve often felt lonely. I don’t feel like my pain is invisible. I don’t feel insecure. I feel covered and deeply cared for like I matter. My honey was always a caller. He’d call several times a day even when we’d just left home together. That’s been a hard adjustment. Knowing that someone was that concerned about me. It’s not that I expect anyone to call me like he used to do or think about me like that. It’s just missing him and all the little things he did that made him so special! Missing the impact he had in my life just by being in my life and being who he was. I miss him like that every day. Strongly this 2nd year to be honest. That first year was a blur of adjusting to life without him. This 2nd year is a year of trying to accept it all and that things will never be the same. It’s an awakening and a surviving more than I ever thought I could especially mentally and emotionally. Said all that to say, Thank You Holy Spirit for your never-ending consolation. You are the reason I woke up this morning in my right mind. I do not take that for granted. You are my Keeper and my Sustainer when I would’ve given up. You are my Constant when everything around me has changed. You are my Truth when my thoughts veer off track. You are my Strength when I’ve felt overwhelmed with emotion. You are my Hope when I’ve wanted to quit. You draw me close and you comfort me. I don’t have to chase you because you always come for me. I need You! I will lean into You this morning as you remind me that I am more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ who loves me and gave his life for me.

Hold me close Holy Spirit!

Just sharing my morning musings in hopes that you will sense the drawing of the Holy Spirit. He’s always drawing us closer to Jesus. Take a moment and lean into his tender loving care today. Silently pray, Hold me close Holy Spirit. He will!