Sitting with the Lord in these wee hours at 4 am in the morning. I’ve awakened early the last few nights and usually it’s due to some anxiety or unconscious stress. So I sit with the Lord to debrief if you will. Kind of check in with Him & myself. I’ve learned that if you quieten yourself usually your mind will default to what’s really going on. So whatever those reoccurring thoughts or feelings my mind defaults to is what I put before the Lord. I’m finding it’s the same as yesterday morning and that is my feelings of dread around the holidays. My whole family loves Christmas! It was a big deal in my family of origin. My parents spoiled us and they made the holidays such fun! Of course that translated to my own home. When Stephen saw how much I loved Christmas, he gradually became just as excited as I did over the years. It was a big deal for us too! At first we traveled to family every year when my sibling’s children were young in age. We’d help put toys together on Christmas Eve & watch the kid’s excitement the next day. Then as we got older we started staying home for Christmas and making a few traditions of our own. Like cooking together & frying fish and shrimp for dinner. Making appetizers and staying up all night on Christmas Eve playing games, opening a surprise we’d hidden in each other’s stocking at midnight and toasting. So these last two years that he has been gone especially during the initial pandemic have been very difficult and lonely. It’s a juxtaposition of emotions because it is easier being alone sometimes for me than being around people because it reminds me of how we used to be. And I honestly really struggle with that. It’s a unique concern even when you have a loving supportive village of family/friends like I do. Holidays that were once exciting now carry an underlying feeling of dread. Some days listening to Christmas carols are uplifting then some days it makes me nostalgic and tearful because it reminds me of happier times. I’m hopeful that with each passing year, it will ease up but two years in still feels heavy. So I sit with the Lord and allow the Holy Spirit to minister to my pain and relieve my thoughts. He reminds me how precious I am to God and that His shoulders are big enough to bear the outpouring of my soul to Him. I’m never worried about what God is going to think of me when I bring these reoccurring concerns to Him. I’m never worried about Him rejecting me or becoming exhausted with me because here I come yet again with my grief. I’ve found myself censoring how much I bring up Stephen’s name in conversations because I sense that I do that a bit much. I don’t feel judged by God for any of it. He’s not thinking, “why hasn’t she moved on.” Instead, the Holy Spirit sits right here with me in my grief and He listens and He comforts and He tolerates my repetitive concerns. He reminds me of God’s character so I don’t get lost in wrong thinking about whether God cares or not. God does care and He takes care of me. Especially during the wee hours when the underlying anxiety awakens me and I’m sitting in my “sit with the Lord” chair by my bedside in the dark in need of His TLC. The Holy Spirit reminding me that..

“God cares”

is bringing such comfort to my soul right now. Those two words are lifting me up! Just a matter of fact, “God cares.” No grandiose verbiage just a simple phrase that means everything to me in these moments. God cares and He takes care of me. Thank you Holy Spirit for being close and settling my anxieties this morning. This song is rising up in my heart, “I love the Lord, He heard my cry and pitied every groan. Long as I live and troubles rise, I’ll hasten to His throne.“

Just sharing my very early morning musings particularly for those who are grieving the loss of a dear one and dreading the holiday. Just two words for us, “God cares.” Be cheered and encouraged today!!