I couldn’t sleep this morning so I decided to get up to sit with the Lord. The emotions of holding it together yesterday were too overwhelming to sleep. I went to see my grief counselor because in her experience she anticipated that it would be a hard day. It seems that when I am around her in that safe place that I am able to unleash my grief. So just talking to the Lord about it. She asked me what I needed emotionally to get through the day. My first response was I didn’t want to burden anyone because it was a day that people should celebrate their love! She said putting all of that aside what do you need? I honestly couldn’t tell her, but spending that time talking about our memories, showing her pictures and just celebrating our love with someone did me the world of good! She said I often hear people say they just want to know their loved one is okay. But I’ve never heard you say that. I told her that Stephen wasn’t afraid of death. He talked about reaching his ultimate destination. So I am sure that he is with Jesus. I said I haven’t had a dream about him. I imagine that’s because he hit the ground running, hopping in the lap of Jesus, running around, seeing all the sites! He could never be still you know. By the end of the session, we were laughing about that scenario.

Sitting with the Lord this morning, the Holy Spirit instructed me that it is okay to grieve out loud. In fact that is why He called me to start blogging about it.

To give voice to the mystery of grief.

Grief is often misunderstood and it’s toll on the heart is grossly underestimated. I feel that is in part because it’s hard to talk about. Talking about it feels like a burden to others. It feels self indulgent and sometimes it is. Talking about it can set off embarrassing ugly tears revealing such raw emotion that feels so foreign. My counselor mentioned that someone described it like walking around feeling vulnerable all the time and who wants to feel like that every day? Then there are those times where it is too hard to talk about and that weight is carried in silence. Often people self medicate or turn to destructive means to cope when they don’t talk about it. I know I did after my mother passed partly because I was already in a dysfunctional space but also partly because I didn’t talk about it. 

All the while life goes on and it should go on! Interacting with an ever evolving world provides relief on some level. Speaks to the soul, that often feels so awkward in this world after losing a loved one, that better days are ahead. That just as we laughed in my counseling session, I will laugh again. I might cry, I might withdraw, I might not be able to articulate my needs on especially emotional days. But then there will be days when I can be okay with giving voice to my vulnerability and grieve out loud. Enlightening others about the journey so they too will take care and be all right with grieving out loud and collectively we will be okay with each other’s grief. 

Just sharing my morning musings inviting myself and others to grieve out loud. Give voice to our emotional needs so that we all will understand the mystery of grief.