Sitting with the Lord this New Years Eve 

Reflecting on this past year which brought tough transitions and change. More than I wanted to come my way and more than I thought I’d be able to handle. Leaving me with a juxtaposition of dueling emotions. Yet here I am, feeling lonely but blessed, feeling lost but anchored, feeling bereft but supported, feeling anxious but peaceful, feeling depressed but lifted, feeling sorrowful but joyful, feeling sad but comforted. All the feels that come with a year of caretaking and subsequent loss of my honey. It’s been three months, not much time to deal with all these stages of grief. The memories of the pain and low times my honey suffered still bring tears to my heart. The memories of the times we received hopeful news still bring happiness to my soul. Joy in sorrow hope for tomorrow was our course for the past two years. In 2020, I can’t say I will leave it all behind. It’s still too real and too raw. I can’t say I will be ready to move on without my love although I have no choice. I’m just not ready. The stress of caregiving still lingers. The exhaustion is still there. My journey is unique from other people’s journey. It affects me uniquely and I’m glad I know that’s okay. Enjoying my life at this point feels so different. I find myself sitting with my pain in silence with a smile on my face watching life go on around me. And so it does and it will. I join in because I know my honey would want me to. He’s probably cheering me on and saying keep going honey. You deserve a good life. My tears include joy and sadness because I know my honey is having the time of his life with Jesus. That thought alone turns my mourning into dancing! Be patient with those of us who are grieving around you.

The best support you can offer is grace, space to adjust and understanding.

We won’t be ourselves for a while. In fact, we will never be the same and it will take awhile to come to terms with it all. One thing I know for sure for me is that I will rise out of the ashes of grief because the Holy Spirit has called me to do just that. And my purpose is to make known God’s glory in my life so that others might know him as intimately as I do. He wants to be that friend that sticks closer than a brother to us. He’s turning my mourning into dancing and my sorrow into joy! 

Sharing my morning musing that I wrote at the start of the year. In hopes that you will take care of yourself so that you can offer your best self to this world in 2020!